Whose Name is First? His or Hers?
    In an informal salutation for a married couple using just first names .... whose name is first?  His or hers?
          -- Anne

Dear Anne:
   Should you write it ladies first?
           Dear Anne and Tom,
   Should you write it to preserve the Mr. & Mrs. order?
           Dear Tom and Ann,
   When there is no surname used ... more etiquette books (if that is any measure) show ladies first:
           Dear Anne and Tom,
      -- Robert Hickey

    Hi Robert,
    Thanks!  I wasn’t expecting a response so quickly.  You confirm what I’ve found by searching all over – that there really isn’t a hard and fast rule, so I think we’ll have to define it here so as not to offend the donor’s we address. I’ve found your site to be most helpful as I work on writing a procedure for our Development Office.
          -- Anne

Gentlemen or Ladies First in Joint Address?
    When listing a couple using first names and last name whose name comes first?  Is it Tom and Anne Smyth or Anne and Tom Smyth?
         -- Liz

Dear Liz:
   More etiquette books (if that is any measure) show ladies first:
        Anne and Tom Smyth
   I've most often seen this explained as keeping the man's full name together as a unit.
                   -- Robert Hickey

Whose Name Is First: The Man or Woman?
      You write that is is acceptable to write "Dear Ann and Tom."  I wish that were true!    
      Ladies and Gentleman .... is the only time in which we women come first according to anyone I know. 
      As women we have to hang on to something so we're not always secondary to men. My sole purpose of keeping my maiden name, Ms. Mary Harrison, is to be equal to my spouse, Mr. Albert Nygard.
              -- Ms. Mary Harrison

Dear Ms. Harrision:
    In the world of English social address you are right, often it's "ladies second" rather than "ladies first."
    However in the world of professional and official address ... where gender is not considered ... there are many times the woman's name goes first. Here are some examples of forms of address determined by the rules of precedence:
    1) If the woman is the guest to an official event (e.g., the woman is the reason the invitation is being extended) and her spouse is attending as her guest ... her name goes first:
             Ms. Mary Harrison
                  and Mr. Albert Nygard
    2) If the woman holds a higher office, higher rank, or has a special honorific -- she outranks her husband who has a lower office, lower rank or has no special honorific -- a protocol officer sending out official invitations would always list the woman first in a married couple. E.g.:
        The Honorable Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
        The Reverend Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
        Her Excellency Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
        General Mary Harrison, USA
            and Major Albert Nygard, USA
        Major Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
        Dr. Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
     I cover all this and more in the chapters in my book on Joint Forms of Address and Precedence.
   -- Robert Hickey

How to Address an Engaged Couple?
      How would you address an envelope to a retired pastor and his fiancee? They do not live together. He is a very dear friend, I have not yet met her.
              -- DM Keller


Dear DM Keller:
        In this case since he's a pastor his name would be first. So, if they present themselves as a couple:
                His full name on the first line
                Her full name on a second line
       In other cases her name might be first if she had higher precedence.
       If you put an and in front of her name it implies they are married, so in this case just list the names without an and.
       NOTE: If they don't present themselves as a couple ... e.g., not living together ... consider this: Most formally it may be better to address the letter to him since he's your friend, and include greetings to her in the letter itself.
    These are some rules for issuing formal invitations which present the traditional logic:
        1) Unmarried person are each issued an individual invitation, not a joint invitation
        2) An invitation is issued to one person and that person is invited to bring a guest
        3) If they present themselves as an established couple ... they are issued a joint invitation.
                   -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Divorcee?
    You state Mrs. Jane Doe is the traditional form for a divorced woman.
    A divorcee (how rarely we use that now!) is most formally Mrs. [Maiden Surname] [Married Surname]:
    Upon her divorce from the governor, Mary Todhunter Clark Rockefeller became Mrs. Clark Rockefeller unless and until she remarried.
               -- TMM

Dear TMM:
    How we create names is the domain of etiquette ... and by definition etiquette is specific to a group, varies from group to group, and changes over time. Flags and precedence at the White House are fixed by protocol: names are a bit of a free-for-all where everyone invents as they think is appropriate.
    When I see the form you suggest, my reaction is that is logical and must have been / must be the tradition within a group. But, I have not encountered anyone using the Mrs. (Maiden Surname) (Married Surname) form. Then again, I am not hanging out with the Rockefellers. 
   In my book, while most if covers officials form, I have a chapter on Social Forms of Address, and I include all the traditional and contemporary forms.
   Currently the Mrs. (Given Name) (Married Surname) is the most frequently suggested form from today's etiquette diva's [Amy Vanderbilt, Emily Post, Cranes, Letitia Baldrige, etc.] for a divorced woman.  Not that that makes it the law ... but it tells me that among that influential group ... they all think it's clear.
          -- Robert Hickey

How Do I Address A Widow?
How do you address an envelope to a widow? My mother says to put Mrs. John Doe. I think that it should be Mrs. Jane Doe, since her husband is no longer alive, why use his name? Is either way correct?
       - Blanche Clark


Dear Ms. Clark:
    Mrs. John Doe is the traditional form for a widow. Just because her husband has died, a widow continues to Mrs. (Husband's Name) ... if she chooses to.
    For example my mother continued to use Mrs. Thomas Hickey after my father died. She had Margaret Hickey on her checks, but never Mrs. Margaret Hickey.  She disliked Ms. but I think (in her case) it was a generational thing.
    Mrs. Jane Doe is the traditional form for a divorced woman.
    Ms. Jane Doe is the contemporary form which does not suggest a marital status.
    However, the real answer is you need to find the preference of the person to whom you are addressing. You don't state the nature of the correspondence. She may prefer different forms of her name in different situations. For a wedding invitation from a bride who knew her husband she might prefer Mrs. John Doe but from someone she knows but did not know her husband, she might prefer Ms. Jane Doe.
      -- Robert Hickey

How Do I Address A Widow,
If Her Husband Was a (fill in the blank)?
       Is there a particular way to address mail to the widow of a deceased pastor?  I look forward to your response.
              - Lois and Dave


Dear Lois and Dave:
       Wives, or husbands, of pastors, rabbis, doctors, professors, elected officials, military personnel, diplomats ... or any kind of official ... do not receive any form of address based on their spouse's rank, office or position.
       Widows continue to be addressed as they preferred to be addressed when their husband was living. So, for example, most traditionally ... and formally ... the widow of a pastor was and continues to be: Mrs. (Husband's full name).
       I include all the traditional social forms of address on pages 155-158. Most of my book is on officials, but many wedding and event planners use my book, so having all the social forms in there too is convenient.
        -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Widow,
Who Never Used Her Husband's Family Name?
      How do you address a new widow who kept her maiden name?
      For example: If her name is Jane Smith and her husband’s name was John Taylor?
           -- Sausalito, CA

Dear Sausalito:
    If she kept her maiden name ... then she never used Mrs. John Taylor
    That's the form the etiquette books would say was the traditional form for a married woman. But of course many women keep their maiden names, and in much of the world it's the norm for women to keep their name. I've taught classes in the Middle East, and while some American may think the Arabic women are oppressed there ... Arab women think it's barbaric that a woman would give up her birth name when she marries!
    So you should address her as a widow by the name she has always used:
            Ms. Jane Smith
    Not using her spouse's name made her no less married -- than his not using her name made him any less married.
           -- Robert Hickey

Not Finding Your Question Answered?
Below are other topics covered in my blog.  If you don't see your question answered send me an e-mail. I am pretty fast at sending a reply and if I think It would be of interest to others, I will post the question and the answer with all the names and personal specifics removed.
                    -- Robert Hickey

USE OF NAMES & HONORIFICS   
Mr., Miss, Jr., III, & Names        
Married Women       
Deceased Persons         
People with Two Titles
Post-Nominal Abbreviations and Initials           
Joint Forms of Address    (How to address a couple?)   

USE OF SPECIFIC OFFICIAL TITLES        
Former Officials            
Professionals and Academics        

United States Federal Officials, Currently In Office             
United States State Officials, Currently In Office              
United States Municipal Officials, Currently In Office             
       All About The Honorable with U.S. Officials         
       Former United States Officials of all types             
United States Armed Services, Active Duty             
       Addressing Retired Personnel      
       Use of Rank by Retired Personnel      
       Use of Rank by Veterans      

Tribal Officials             
Clergy and Religious Officials           
Canadian Officials         
Australian Officials          
British Officials, Royalty, and Nobility        
Diplomats and International Representatives            
Foreign National Officials and Nobility        

SPECIFIC SITUATIONS
Etiquette             
Flags: Traditions and Protocol             
Introductions            
Invitations: Writing & Addressing         
Invitations: Just Armed Service Personnel        
Name Tags            
Names on Programs, Signs, & Lists            
Place Cards            
Precedence: Ordering Officials           
Thank You Notes             

     Back to Main Page of the Robert Hickey's BLOG 

Robert Hickey is the author of Honor & Respect:
The Official Guide to Names, Titles, and Forms of Address
Published by The Protocol School of Washington®
Foreword by Pamela Eyring

Copyright © 2011 Robert Hickey.     All Rights Reserved.
Book Photo: Marc Goodman.